Thirty and Anxious

I will be turning 30 in ninety-six days. I have a checklist of things I need to take care of right now. I need to make investments, edit my weekly podcast, do my job, apply to film schools, eat healthy, lose weight, workout, start working on passive income sources, learn jazz, date a girl, pay bills on time, help my dad with house EMI and the list goes on.

Instead of typing down this article, I should rather be sitting down and trying to accomplish the above tasks. That would be the most logical thing to do, right?

But, I’m unable to.

I just can’t.

As I have gotten closer to the 30s, I have learned to cope better with my anxiety than I would do 4-5 years ago. I have just learned to push through it, work(from home) my way out of it. And luckily, I did not have to lean on alcohol or drugs to come out of 2–3 such long patches so far. I didn’t know back then that they could help. Somehow the pop culture reference of Devdas didn’t strike my brain then.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that no matter what happens, those days invariably come back. Days when I have a mountain of tasks ahead of me, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. Things around me would have gotten messier - my room, my cupboard, my desktop, my tasks at work and my thoughts.

Can’t do anything about it. Can I?

People say repeatedly, “it’s okay, you’re not alone, take a break…”. I appreciate people trying to help, but it’s not something that helps often. Human beings are complex entities and it all works differently for different people.

I have learnt from this recurring phenomenon that sometimes I just can’t even afford to pause or take a break. Else, it may cause crashing down of other stack of cards that are still managing to stand somehow.

So, I just push through it.

However, there are a few small distractions that help from time to time.

• Watching a feelgood movie (or my favorite show The Office)
• Having a long phone call with a friend
• Doing unrelated activities(outside of the piling checklist)
• Reading a novel
• Uninstalling Instagram
• Taking a long nap
• Writing/typing down my feelings (like I’m doing right now)

These are some of the things that I do, and have worked for me. Needless to say, everyone does what works for them. At times, doing even a small activity would be too much to do. I think, we just have to wait and let the storm pass.

The truth is - it gets better. As cliché as it sounds, there is always a slightly brighter side (definitely not the brightest with Jesus applauding for you on the other side). In my opinion, anxiety and depression never go away forever. They go and come back like uninvited, unwelcomed guests. I’ve accepted that it’s just a part of me.

Through the years, I’ve just learned to cope with it better.